In what campus officials are calling “the fourth time this month,” a fire alarm ripped through the peaceful slumber of students in a northern dorm at 3:39 AM – Monday morning, sources say. When the outside windchill temperature was an astonishing -10 degrees.
The culprit? A bag of microwave popcorn that had somehow been transformed into what firefighters described as “basically a lump of coal Santa would give to a really bad kid.”
“The bag clearly said two minutes,” reported one of the current RAs on duty, whose eyes had a hollow, distant look of someone who had lost faith in all of student humanity. “They put it in for eight minutes. Eight. That’s like…six minutes too long. That’s not even a mistake, that’s a choice.”
Students poured out into the snow, wearing an exciting variety of pajamas. One student wore Crocs that were filled to the brim with snow. Another wore their hair in a towel, unfortunately, already frozen solid. A group of juniors entertained themselves by building a snowman and calling it “Why Is This My Life.” Some students started a betting ring on whether it was popcorn again (it was).
“I was having the best dream,” complained a shivering freshman, dressed only in basketball shorts and a t-shirt. “I was eating pizza. Not burnt pizza. Regular pizza.”
We tracked down the student responsible, who wished to remain anonymous, to ask him some follow-up questions.
Q: What were you doing when the popcorn caught fire?
“Oh, I wasn’t there. I went back to my room to grab my phone.”
Q: For 8 minutes?
“Well, then I got distracted watching Jared McCain edits to Just the Way You Are on TikTok.
Q: Did you hear the microwave beeping?
“What beeping?”
Q: The popcorn was actively on fire.
“In my defense, I thought someone else would check on it.”
At 6:21 AM, Housing Services sent an email titled: “IMPORTANT: Microwave Safety Guidelines.” The email had remained unread and/or deleted by approximately 893 students before they even opened it.
In a shocking twist, early on Wednesday morning, the fire alarm went off again in the same north campus building. Same microwave. Different popcorn. Same dead look in the RA’s eyes.
The building’s residents have started a petition to install a microwave with a single button that is to be used specifically for popcorn. So as not to burn any more.
