For the past six weeks, Rawlins Hall has received nonstop visitation from a mysterious “Lobster Man”, who reportedly arrives at the residence hall with the sole goal of eating a lobster. While this may sound unremarkable, the Lobster Man has continuously vexed and confused students and staff with his presence.
“Every day, He shows up every damn day,” said front desk attendant Kenzie Weitzman, when asked about the Lobster Man. “Every day at 12pm on the dot, that motherfucker walks in, cracks open his tupperware, pulls out a beautiful, 3-pound butterflied lobster, and scarfs it down on the lobby floor like a dog. After that, he just leaves all the butter and shell bits on the floor for us to clean up. It would be upsetting if I hadn’t gotten so used to it.” Another staff member, the senior janitor at Rawlins Hall, Pablo Ruiz, says that he has experienced things that he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy.
“Every time that Lobster Man leaves,” says Ruiz, “I have to walk into the closet and ask God to give me the strength to not quit my job. I see lobster in my dreams, and my wife can’t kiss me goodnight because I always smell like butter. That man’s existence has burned itself into every inch of my life, and I hate it. I want it to end.”
Staff are not the only ones bothered by this interloper’s continued intrusions, as students have also made consistent complaints.
“I know exactly when he shows up because my dorm starts smelling like a beached whale,” said Jon Blackwater, a freshman who resides in Rawlins. “He must microwave his lobster or something, because I have to open a window every time he shows up, and I live on the second floor, it’s a nightmare.” Another freshman, Samantha Summers, reports being uncomfortable with the Lobster Man’s presence
“He’s six-foot-four, at least two hundred pounds, and I’ve seen him hork down a nineteen-inch lobster like a seagull; of course, he scares me. I don’t even think he’s a student, he’s like forty.”
While Staff has made repeated attempts to remove the Lobster Man from the premises, none have been remotely successful.
“The last time, we tried calling the Campus Police,” Said Weitzman, “but when a cop showed up, the Lobster Man stood up, looked the cop straight in the eyes, and said, ‘You shall not harm me.’. Then the cop just turned around and walked out without a word. That made Mr. Ruiz really upset, so he tried chasing the Lobster Man out with a broom, only for him to do the same thing. The Lobster Man stared Mr. Ruiz in the face, said ‘Break’, then went back to eating his lobster as we watched a fifty-year-old man crumple onto the floor and start weeping. We sort of stopped trying after that.”
