Boulder, Co. — Sticky Fingers, the original chat generation service, announced Friday that they may have to close their doors in June. A business that rocketed to success in 2017 with its innovative approach to chat generation.
“Well, I’m a writer,” Roachell said. “One of the great struggles is simply finding the right combination of words to make the magic happen.”
Back in 2016, a man named Kevin Roachell came across an old wooden shack in the middle of the mountains on one of his early morning walks. Despite visual remnants of ritual circles, an altar, and what appeared to be animal sacrifices, Roachell decided to investigate, finding a monkey paw in a small cupboard. Snapping one of the fingers, he wished for an endless supply of monkeys and typewriters. Subsequent fingers were used for sheer logistics. The monkey types endless key strokes in search of the next golden ticket. The winning formula for the next big cultural boom for Hollywood or the big four in New York.
“You have no idea how much monkeys poop, let alone an infinite number of them,” Roachell said. “It’s not all bad, though. Most of them are super happy and friendly—except for Ted. Ted smokes and swears—we’ve had HR meetings, but he doesn’t seem to care. He just says, ‘I came up with the new Dragon Age game, you aren’t going to fire me.’ It’s difficult at times to deal with all the personalities involved.”
With his monkeys, Roachell is personally responsible for more than 40% of all content generated between 2017 and 2020. Hits like Terminator: Dark Fate and Strange World were a product of Roachell’s monkeys. Disney, for a period, even adopted what was dubbed on Reddit as The True First Neural Net, creating Snow White, The Eternals, and even Star Wars: The Last Jedi. The video game industry even grabbed hold, creating the sensational Dragon Age 4. Yes, Roachell is personally responsible for the eradication of all original voices across those three years.
“It’s these damned AIs,” he exclaimed, shuffling endless sheets of paper looking for his next diamond. “They’re ruining my business.”
Roachell was more than concerned, stating that the big tech companies put so many safeguards and restrictions on the things that you can’t even do anything interesting with them.
“Unless you’re a government official wanting to surveil your own people or oppress a region, you’re just outta luck.” Shaking his head, Roachell said, “You might get some nice clip art out of it. My monkeys make real art. Hell, that’s all we are anyway, just monkeys with typewriters desperate for our next breakthrough story.”
Melissa Williams, a former Arapahoe Lieutenant who shot to success in 2022 following the widely publicized scandal of her Only Fans page, said, “Sticky Fingers is great. Look, the truth is, there’s only so many variations on the naughty nun, or help me step-son i’m stuck in the dryer you can come up with. Roachell’s monkeys have kept my page fresh and interesting in a time where creativity gives us an edge.”
Roachell wasn’t without hope, though. He remained confident that now, more than ever, so many people are relying on censored models of AI that soon everything his monkeys spit out will be a critical hit again. Roachell said that he’s currently in talks for a deal with Bethesda and Baldur’s Gate 4, but it hasn’t garnered the publicity for the business he’d hoped for. Everyone seemed to be unsurprised by the contract proposal.
“The V-tubers and Only Fans creators have been keeping us afloat,” he said. “The rinse and repeat templates for those people are easy enough. I can just reuse the templates for them—there’s fifty talking peanuts playing Fortnite on YouTube…and you are welcome.”
The community of YouTube content creators, and creators like Williams, still rely on Roachell’s monkeys. He cites his rock-solid morals for his company’s direction.
“The problem is that all these big publishers don’t want to take any risks anymore. I hope it comes back around because I have no clue what the hell I’m going to do with all these monkeys if it doesn’t.”
Williams, when asked about her AI usage, said, “No, I can’t. I tried to switch to ChatGPT, but as soon as it finds out what I do for a living, it just says, that goes against my use policy and then spits out an apology. Roachell has never abandoned us.”
“Sticky Fingers has its community, and we’re proud of it,” Roachell said. “We may be a little transgressive, but we stand by our customers no matter what.”
