Boulder, Co. (TN) — What do CUPD and CU Lifeguards have in common? They’re both out of their depth. At least that’s how it feels surrounding student Caleb Warner, who refuses to leave the Buff Pool. Lifeguards and CUPD found themselves at a loss when all their techniques to remove Caleb failed. Removal attempts involved fishing nets, life rafts, and an impressively constructed shark costume. So far there has been no success.
“His dexterity in the water is unlike anything I’ve ever seen,” says Kimberly Goodell, the head swim coach at CU Boulder. “He moves more like a fish than a man.”
Indeed, Caleb appears to glide through the water like he was made for it, deftly weaving in between nets and grasping hands. He was surprisingly happy to be interviewed, although we did have to pause frequently for him to dodge another attempt to pull him out of the pool while his attention was on us.
Here is a short snippet of our interview:
CALEB: “…I just always felt called to water, no matter what I tried. My mom sent me to CU because she was convinced I would drown if I wasn’t in a landlocked state.”
THE NUT: “Interesting. Have you always been a swimmer?”
CALEB: [laughing] “Duh. I was swimming before I could walk. I just transferred here in the spring semester though, so this is the first time I saw the Buff Pool uncovered, and I felt the inexplicable urge to jump in.”
THE NUT: “Why did you transfer here?”
CALEB: “Ehh, I might have gotten in some trouble. I went to the University of Minnesota, and I kept jumping in the lakes around there. The student government was worried I would die of hypothermia, and tasked a lifeguard to follow me around at all times to prevent me from going to any bodies of water. My mom figured if I wouldn’t stay out of the water, she could at least send me to a warmer landlocked state.”
THE NUT: “We’ve heard rumors that you’ve been claiming to be a mermaid. Any truth to those claims?”
CALEB: [currently throwing life rafts back at the lifeguards] “Isn’t it obvious?”
THE NUT: “What.”
CALEB: “Like dude, look how good of a swimmer I am. No one can get close to me. What’s your explanation for that?”
THE NUT: “Impressive evasion tactics.”
CALEB: “I haven’t had to eat since I was in here. The water is my natural environment bro, face it.”
THE NUT: “Aren’t you worried about the chlorine messing with your skin?”
CALEB: “No, I’m a mermaid.”
THE NUT: [increasingly exasperated]: “Do you plan to stay in the pool for the rest of your life?”
CALEB: “Yeah, until my mom sends me to another college probably.”
The interview continued to go in circles after this point, with Caleb being stingy with his answers and resolute in his mermaid status. Time will only tell if Caleb can be captured and removed from the pool, or if CU decides to keep him and find a way to monetize the situation. It’s hard to know which.
If Caleb ends up exiting the pool, we can only offer our sympathies to the next college to deal with him.
