Michigan State University is excited to announce that the “Mental Health Crisis” is officially over. Mental health diagnoses have reached a historic low, dropping by 97%. When asked what led to this monumental achievement, the president of the university, Kevin Guskiewicz, and the department head for Human Resources, Karen Kyleton took the credit in an interview and literally patted themselves on the back while their staff, standing behind them, showed hints of disapproval, with forced smiles and even a memorable thumbs down with a head shake.
“It was actually a really simple solution,” HR rep Karen Kyleton remarked. “We cut right to the root of the issue: our psychiatry department. All they do is tell people they have depression and anxiety and give them drugs. Well, not on our watch. I mean, if no one says you have a problem, then you don’t have a problem, right? So what is the use of keeping around all these problem-makers when we can just get rid of them and stop making more problems? Seems pretty intuitive to me if you ask me”.
The president has since denied the rumors of budget cuts being the reason behind these new statistics. In the face of what is seen by many to be a huge blow to the college’s mental health support, the president responded with “Just go for a nice walk, it’ll bat your troubles away. People just need to walk things off sometimes.”
The Board of Directors applauded the HR head and president for their decisive action before heading off on a spontaneous four-month group vacation to Fiji. A vacation that they have, unprompted, said has nothing to do with the money taken from the mental health department.
