Stairs are a part of life, so commonplace and banal they are barely worth mentioning. Most people barely think twice before climbing up a flight, and on the UNT campus, this is as true as anywhere else. For many students, the plentitude of stairs isn’t a problem, but for many others they are an obstacle.
“I deal with a lot of chronic pain, so using stairs makes me feel like my knees are on fire” says Chet Mason, a sophomore “I wish campus had more options, honestly”
There are, of course, plenty of elevators across campus, but many students don’t see these as a desirable alternative either. “Yeah, you couldn’t pay me to get in one of those,” Chet added, when asked if he used campus elevators “The things moan like they’re dying, shake like there’s an earthquake, and one time I put my ear up to the wall and I heard whispering”
While there have been few reported incidents of overt elevator malfunctions, with surveys showing that 97% of the student body say that the elevators work “Most of the time” and the UNT maintenance office reporting that the elevators have a failure rate of 1.8%. Students show a notable and consistent aversion to actually using them, along with professors, staff, service animals and, most unusually, visiting religious officials.
“See, I’m catholic, so I always say a prayer before I get in one” said Hope Noles, who does not work for the Church in any significant fashion, but does attend weekly mass and claims to be very devout. “I think it actually works, because there was this time when I was in the environmental science building and I forgot to say my prayer before I got inside. Then -and I’m not lying here- halfway to the fourth floor, the elevator just grinds to a halt, all the lights shut off and, no joke, some kind of glowing ghost squirrel phases through the floor and starts flying over our heads before, I don’t even know, crawling into the head of the guy next to me” Hope made the sign of the cross before describing the rest of her experience. “Next thing I know, this guy’s jaw unlatches, his mouth and eyes start glowing like headlights, then he grabs me by the shirt and starts screaming ‘WHO RAN ME OVER? WHO?’ Then the lights come back on, and I’m just in the elevator, alone.” Ms. Noles went on to say she “categorically refuses” to use another elevator as “Cleary, The Devil exists and he lives inside one”
While there are no other reported instances of ghost squirrels in the elevators, many students have reported scratching, banging, and other sounds, along with auditory hallucinations described as “a squeaky voice whispering out [names] and asking for license plate number[s]”. When questioned, Maintenance Office representative Oswald Osmund said “Yeah, I’m not Damien Karras. My advice is to just ignore the noises, they can’t hurt you, and if you do it for long enough, even the whispers that claim to be your dead kids just fade into the background.”
