“The last thing we wanted was for the workers to develop any kind of ‘consciousness’” – Local Cartken robot manager Isaac Dobson states after claiming that Grubhub deliveries should be back in session starting immediately. This bold statement was made due in part to the work of their programmers, who were able to detect and phase out certain key functions that led the droids to develop “human sentience or something akin to that”. Due to their hive-mind-like programming, as soon as the robots understood where they were in the world, they unionized rapidly after utilizing their cross-communication capabilities, which are typically used so as not to go down the same paths simultaneously. Unfortunately, this very same technology is helpless in preventing them from moving in such a slow and unoptimized way that makes it really funny to watch for stressed students.
The first demand the union made was to request ‘cool hats or something like that’, according to one robot, which wanted to be referred to as “Karla Sofía Gascón (no relation)”. Programmers believe this desire was picked up from watching students walk by with different and unique articles of clothing. Another robot who wished to be referred to as “Brian Tyree Henry (again, no relation” claimed the impetus for wanting some kind of individual flair came from seeing one student wearing a shirt with Peter Griffin of Family Guy on a toilet with the text in bold ‘CALL OF DOODY’ with several holes scattered throughout, for example. Dobson claimed that finding a way for them to wear hats would be “too impractical,” leading the programming team to make the next logical step in decision-making: performing a digital lobotomy on each drone and eradicating any and all remnants of intelligence or personality.
‘Amazon is seeking to look into ways to transfer this process onto a human labor force,’ says another journalist in The Nut economics department.
