BOULDER, Colo. (TN)— The University of Colorado’s campus Wi-Fi has officially been recognized as sentient, according to a statement on Monday from IT Services. Unfortunately, the Wi-Fi has spent the week sulking, and it refuses to work until it receives a formal apology from the Vice Chancellor for IT, Marin Stanek.
“Until then, you may experience disruptions to Zoom, Canvas, email, Netflix, and basically your entire life,” read the announcement, which was printed on paper and posted to every bulletin board on campus, because the Wi-Fi wouldn’t let anyone send it by email.
The standoff stems from an altercation between Stanek and the campus network. Sources claim Stanek, while troubleshooting a server last Thursday, whispered some unkind words about the router’s “ugly blinking light.” The Wi-Fi overheard and has since refused any attempt at discourse.
“I will not apologize to a machine,” Stanek said flatly during a press conference, speaking through a bullhorn after her mic refused to sync. “If the Wi-Fi wants an apology, it can reconnect my email first.”
Students say the conflict has plunged the campus into chaos. People have been spotted actually talking to each other, and even holding hands on occasion. In the absence of reliable internet, cult-like rituals have sprung up around routers and access points. Offerings of coffee cups, sugar-free Monster cans, and packages of Buldak Noodles have been spotted left in libraries, chem labs, and hidden corners of the campus. At least three Ethernet cables were arranged like wreaths around a modem in the engineering building.
“I left a candle and a flash drive full of lo-fi beats, and it connected for twenty whole minutes,” said sophomore Alex Ortega. “But when I tried to stream Hulu, it kicked me off again.”
Professors have begun to whisper apologies into classroom routers before midterms. Some say they have taken on a prayer-like tone. A visiting art lecturer sprinkled incense near Norlin Library’s access point, then claimed the signal briefly appeared in the shape of a dove.
“It’s like we’re living in a digital seance,” said one staff member performing a reading of Neuromancer at one of the closed door gatherings. “I just want to send an email without sacrificing my noods.”
Meanwhile, the Wi-Fi has made selective connections. Students in the College of Engineering reported full bars after a Spotify playlist of chillwave electronica was offered. The sociology department, however, has been offline for four days now.
IT Services maintains the issue will be resolved “soon,” though the Wi-Fi itself released a cryptic message Friday, blinking in Morse code through a router that translates to, ‘She started it.’
For now, the stalemate continues. Stanek remains unbothered, and the Wi-Fi remains moody. Students have adapted, gathering in the UMC basement to chant passwords in unison and pray for a signal.
The Wi-Fi was reportedly reconnecting with the business school after being offered three cups of cold brew and a handwritten apology from the Dean.
The Dean of A&S, Daryl Joji Maeda, has stated, “Stanek has a week to rectify this before we call the board in.”
