The University of Virginia prides itself on its diversity and commitment to a safe and inclusive environment for students of all kinds, regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, or religion. Unfortunately, this commitment has caused the university to run into a predicament, as a small group of students on the grounds has formed a new religion, and has chosen the 3rd floor communal bathroom in Kent House as their house of worship.
The group claims to have found a “being” in one of the bathroom’s shower drains, its worship being the primary focus of this new religious group. The students claim to have never seen the “being” in its entirety, only catching glimpses of movement from within the drain. One student claims that the supposed creature seems to be constructed mostly of “mold, hair, nail clippings, and unidentified bodily excrements”.
Although UVA wishes to accommodate all religious identities, the group has become somewhat of a concern. Custodial staff are having difficulties entering the bathroom, as students have devoted themselves to watching the room in shifts to prevent unwanted cleanings that might harm or anger their deity.
“The group has become a real problem,” said William Eatch, head of Custodial Services, “The students seem to be actively encouraging mold growth in the space, and our custodians don’t feel they are paid enough to learn the breaching and crowd control techniques required to clean the bathroom.”
Jane Doe (name withheld upon request), the founder of this group, agreed to comment on the group and their deity.
“Honestly, I’m not religious myself,” said Doe, “But when the shower drain emits an unholy, bellowing howl that resonates in the very marrow of your bones, claiming itself to be God as a mass of undulating, pulsing mold begins prying itself from the drain, what else can you do? Besides, I need some extracurriculars for my resume.”
“Also, we made shirts,” Doe added, “The Being requires daily sacrifices of corn chips and other processed snack foods, so if you want to support our right to religious freedom, consider supporting us!”
When asked about the complaints from Custodial Services, Doe shrugged and suggested they “get good”.
