Aquarius: Johnny Spirit
You’re a free spirit above all else. Being unique is a virtue you don’t take lightly, and although some might not understand it, it’s what you do best. The haters might say “you’re 40, it’s time to move on and stop dying your beard green,” but they don’t know that age is just a number, you’re definitely not too old for this.
Pisces: Wells Hall Preacher
You’re creative, especially when it comes to imagining ways in which everyone else is wrong. You’re funny, though maybe in a different type of way, but don’t let that get you down. At the end of the day, you believe in something, and that’s better than nothing. However, maybe you should consider having a drink every once in a while, it might calm you down.
Aries: Magic Johnson
A true winner. Full of ambition and desire to be first. So ambitious, in fact, that you can crash and burn, but those you’ve earned the good graces of will love you forever. A word of advice: wrap it up, don’t cheat on your wife!!!
Taurus: Chad Latz
You’re just a chill guy. You’ve got an eye for the luxurious (and the sexy) that brings you to all the right places in life. That chill factor might lead to some shenanigans, like the occasional horny post on main, but those things are part of you, and everyone around you should be honored to get a glimpse of your true nature.
Gemini: Dancin’ Jan
You’re at your best when up and moving. Here to have fun and show off your dance moves both literally and figuratively, you’ll take every chance you can get to inspire others to do the same. The enthusiasm you live life with is infectious – don’t ever let it go away.
Cancer: Gretchen Whitmer
You’re very sensitive and emotional, often described as a great listener. With your listening skills, you’re able to deliver people exactly what they ask of you, like endless road construction and pictures of you with Cartier glasses on. If you’re down, just tell yourself: “Road closures get remembered, but an iced-out pair of buffs will never die,” and remember you’re that bitch.
Leo: The Crosswalk Voice
A natural-born problem solver, you were put on Earth to get others where they need to go. You know that this world needs a confident voice, but that knowledge might make you a little bossy sometimes, especially when it’s 9 in the morning and I’m on my way to class too hungover to speak. Maybe those times you can tone it down just a bit.
Virgo: Jose the Harper’s Doorman
You’re a master of logic. The world is broken down into theorems and equations in your mind like that one scene from The Hangover. Your focus on details makes you elite at spotting things that might be off (like my fake ID freshman year, what the hell, man?) and keeps you great at your job.
Libra: Sparty
The golden child. Everyone likes you, and for good reason. You’re social anxiety’s greatest nightmare, always positive, and always ready for a good time. All of that, though, sits atop a mystery: who are you, really? You let out your true self very rarely, as in, like, once a year. Rest assured though, we like that side of you too.
Scorpio: Zeke the Wonder Dog
A fan favorite, you can be spotted showing off your talents whenever you get the chance. You’re passionate about very few things, but you dive deep into them. Your big personality is known and admired. Everyone wants to see you succeed, even if everything around you is falling apart.
Sagittarius: Reggie the Grand River Twerker
Being an acquired taste can be tough, but you make life a little lighter for those who can see how great you are. Those that don’t love you cite your overbearing nature, but it’s what makes you great, so fuck ‘em.
Capricorn: Pace
You’re a hard worker. Sunup to sundown, your nose is on the grindstone, doing nothing but gettin’ it done. You take pride in your work and you’re loyal to a fault, which can sometimes make you the target of some pretty extreme, albeit warranted, opposition… But guess what? They shouldn’t have parked there.
