BOULDER, Colo. (TN) – Look, guys—welcome to college, where your love life is basically a minefield that’s going to take some finesse to navigate. Chasing someone a little older? Don’t sweat it. At The Nut, we have your back. Here are ten telltale signs she’s about to have you scrambling for your pants while you swan-dive out the bedroom window.
Did she ask you to pick her up at the park, right after she gave you her address? Maybe start getting suspicious. Her husband probably got home a little earlier than usual, or was a little late getting out the door.
Did she say she can’t host because of her roommate? Her roommate’s name is Bradley. He pays the mortgage, dude. Come Sunday morning, he’s going to be fighting mad.
Did the waitress at the restaurant on Pearl Street ask you if you were her cousin? It’s not because you two look alike. It’s because they know her boyfriend.
Was she compulsively checking her watch and fidgeting? She’s making sure she’s home before her partner.
She says she’ll meet you at the restaurant, and then suggests a “nice hotel” in town. Translation: There’s a Ring Doorbell, and it works.
Did that cougar you took to dinner get super upset when you tagged her on Instagram, claiming, “Take that down, my boss will see it.” Trust me, brother, the boss isn’t the issue.
Now, if you ignore all those and manage to find yourself in the house when she says, “Oh, those are the landscapers,” when you ask about a pair of size 12s with grass stains by the front door. Brother…just run.
Are there matching bikes in the garage? Brother, they both work no matter what she says…run.
Does she keep a guy’s body wash and shampoo in the shower for “emergencies” At this point, make sure the gun safe isn’t readily accessible.
Did you just hear the fridge open, and the snap of a fresh beer can?! Well, I don’t know what to tell you other than welcome to the frat, try to put your pants on at least before you leap through the window—that night air can be a little cold if you know what I mean.
If you spot even one of these signs, don’t argue, don’t explain—just tuck and roll. Trust me, a dislocated shoulder is way better than Sunday brunch with Bradley. Congrats, bro—you’ve now passed Married Dating Awareness 101. Wear your letters with pride, and for the love of Sigma Phi, always check the shoe size at the door.
