BOULDER, Colo.(TN) — On Thurs. Oct. 15 CU Boulder announced the nation’s first academic program dedicated to procrastination. University officials say it’s been “a long time coming.” The Procrastination program promises to prepare students for a lifetime of putting things off with intention, purpose, and the absolute bare minimum effort a human being can possibly contribute.
Classes in the department have already been postponed due to widespread flat tires on bikes, but administrators told students that syllabi will be distributed “eventually,” citing the need to lead by example. A leaked draft of the curriculum includes Netflix Binging Theory, Advanced Excuses-which involves complex forgeries, and a Foundations of Last-Minute You-Tube Research Methodologies—— that emphasizes adderall as a cure. The required senior capstone consists of explaining in front of a committee why the capstone hasn’t been started yet.
“We’re leaning into our strengths as a student body,” said interim program director Justin Saxby of the English Department, who admitted he still hasn’t finished his syllabus from 2012. “This isn’t just a degree—it’s a lifestyle.”
Students say the major has already made their academic careers seem less important. Sophomore Sean Greene, who declared the program last week, explained: “I was already failing my biology labs because I kept skipping them. Now that’s just called ‘avoidance research.’ It feels great to finally get credit for what I’m good at.”
Faculty in the Sociology Department claim the university is “stealing their brand,” while Philosophy professors argue they’ve been teaching procrastination “by accident” for decades.
Critics claim that Procrastination Studies will excel at jobs after graduation, citing the recent decline in the job market. Saxby simply asked, “What jobs?”
The Procrastination Studies student union has scheduled its first meeting for next Tuesday, though members admit it will likely be pushed back to “whenever works.” In the meantime, students can be found lying in the quad, claiming they’re “workshopping ideas for the final.”
Enrollment in the major has already doubled the school’s expectations, mostly because students kept forgetting to unenroll from the waitlist.
“This is the future of higher education,” Saxby said, tapping a pile of overdue books. “Sure, the future may take a little while to arrive, but when it does…we’ll be ready to put it off again.”
