This past weekend, Grand Valley State University students gathered for what was advertised as “The Most Legendary Halloween Bash in Allendale History.”
The party took place at an off-campus apartment complex lovingly known as ‘The Swamp’, named for its humid air, mysterious puddles, and that one suspicious smell no one can identify.
At 9:30 p.m., the night began strong. Costumes were on point: four Barbies, a guy in a Laker Line cardboard bus, multiple cowboys, and one brave person dressed as a midterm. Spirits were high, playlists were queued, and everyone pretended not to notice the sticky floor.
By 10:15, disaster began to brew (literally). The fog machine, purchased secondhand from Facebook Marketplace, started spewing something that smelled faintly like vape juice and burnt carpet. People assumed it was “part of the vibe.” It was not.
At 11:00, someone attempted to start a group sing-along to “Thriller,” but only knew the first two lines. The Bluetooth speaker died mid-song, forcing a spontaneous acapella moment that made several people reconsider college altogether.
Then came the Great Fire Alarm Incident of 2025. Forty students in various states of costume decay stumbled into the freezing parking lot. A Power Ranger was arguing with a fairy over Uber surge pricing. Someone dressed as the GVSU mascot was stress-eating a bag of Doritos.
The neighbors watched from their windows like it was reality TV. One even yelled, “Y’all need Jesus,” to which someone calmly replied, “We need a mop.”
No police showed up, but Facilities reportedly put ‘The Swamp’ on a watchlist.
By 1:00 a.m., most attendees had migrated to the nearest McDonald’s, forming a drive-thru line that stretched halfway to Kirkhof. Reports say someone tried to order “just fries and forgiveness.”
**Final count of the night:**
* 1 burnt costume
* 2 broken blinds
* 17 lost phones
* Spilled fruit punch
* Countless regrets
In the end, everyone agreed the party was “technically a success,” depending on how you define success.
Moral of the story: if someone says “don’t worry, this party is going to be a blast!” RUN!
Happy Halloween, Lakers. Stay spooky!
