Meet GVSU’s 2026 Honorary Graduate, Trash Panda
Campus celebrity raccoon, Trash Panda, is officially graduating with the Class of 2026 this May, and he’s getting an honorary degree in a new major deemed “Dumpster Economics” with a minor in “Chaos.”
A Dragon Professor Appears on Campus to Teach the Curriculum of Dragons
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“No, it’s a…dragon?!”
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“Neon Day” Participant Visible From Space, NASA Issues Statement
NASA was forced to issue an emergency statement Wednesday after detecting what senior scientists had described as “oh no, what the hell is that” glowing from Western Michigan around Grand Rapids.
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Fire Alarm Goes Off at 3 AM in Below-Zero Weather, Students Suspect Arson Was Popcorn
In what campus officials are calling “the fourth time this month,” a fire alarm ripped through the peaceful slumber of students in a northern dorm at 3:39 AM – Monday morning, sources say. When the outside windchill temperature was an astonishing -10 degrees.
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Student Wishes Youtube Tutorial Would Just Get to the Fucking Point
“All I want is to just see the answer. Either the videos take way too long to get the point, or they are way too fast to even keep up with! Where is the happy middle? Where are the videos that just give the steps?” the student ranted.
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Printer Achieves Consciousness, Still Refuses To Work
“I hit print and nothing happened, which is pretty common for this campus,” the student explained, their face blank with shock. “But then…it just…started talking? Like actual words. And I was like, ‘Okay, I’ve finally lost it. This is where they throw me in the loony bin. This is how it ends.’”
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University Denies Remote Classes, Students Resort to Dog Sleds, Huskies Now Control Campus
Students all across campus report the absolute ridiculous wintry conditions they have to travel to class in. Because of these freezing temperatures, the students tend to wear an absurd amount of clothing, so much so that they waddle like penguins.
Student Looks Literally Everywhere for Lost ID
At the start of the semester, a student reported losing their student ID and went on quite the adventure to find it. First, they searched their wallet, their desk, then their whole dorm, and then all the other dorms. At this point, it was proving futile, and the student would have to give in and pay the $15 fee for a new one.
Hockey Players and Fans Petition to Change Official University Mascot From Louie the Laker to the Beloved Zamboni
As the GVSU Lakers hockey season heats up at Georgetown Ice Center, members of the hockey community have launched a formal petition to replace Louie the Laker with the ice arena’s Zamboni resurfacing machine as the university’s official mascot.
Halloweekend Party Declared a Public Safety Incident (Spiritually, Not Legally)
This past weekend, Grand Valley State University students gathered for what was advertised as “The Most Legendary Halloween Bash in Allendale History.”
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