Students and alumni of Drew University were buzzing with excitement this week as news spread on social media that Adam Sandler was filming a movie with his daughter on campus.
Tired Sophomore in Oversized Shirt and Basketball Shorts Mistaken for Adam Sandler Read More »
Drew’s Bingo team has been dominant for nearly three decades since the program was taken over by legendary Bingo Hall of Fame coach Billy “The Diagonal” Smith in 1998. In that time, the team has won 19 NCAA championships, the most by a single coach and the most since adding the “X,” “Big Square,” “Little Square,” and “Full Card” rounds. The team continues to prove its dominance by clinching the #1 seed for the fourth year in a row.
The year is 2032, Y24, the city-destroying asteroid first discovered in 2024, is set to hit Earth any day now. The asteroid is on an impact course with the small liberal arts college, Drew University, where it will land directly on the headquarters of the school’s 2nd tier news source, The Acorn.
City-Killer Asteroid Now 0% Chance as Drew Becomes Asteroid-Free Campus Read More »
This week at Drew, the University has put a 500% tariff on all food delivered to campus. “Yeah I guess they’re worried that no one is eating in the Commons anymore and just use DoorDash and Uber eats.,” said Drew Sophomore, Tommy Greer, “So now I have to decide between spending $150 on a DoorDash or risking my life on Commons chicken? It’s a tough call.”
In a recent turn of events which has sent shockwaves through the hallowed paths of Drew University, jolly old Saint Nick himself has suddenly declared all-out war on the school administration. The catalyst for this sudden conflict? A midnight incident at the EC which landed Santa Claus in hot water with security.
The annual McClintock Hall Friendsgiving took an unexpected turn this year when every single attendee arrived with the same dish: instant mashed potatoes. What should have been a heartwarming evening of shared gratitude quickly descended into carbohydrate chaos.
Dorm Room Friendsgiving Pot Luck Ruined as Everyone Brings Instant Mashed Potatoes Read More »
In a shocking display, Drew has announced a radical overhaul of its parking permit system to replace the current structure after the sale of the commuter lot to Madison. As of now, all commuter students must prove their worthiness to park their vehicle at Drew in a series of high-stakes swordfights.
Commuter Students Must Now Earn Parking Passes Through Trial by Combat Read More »
A shocking new report released by Drew University’s Office of Student Resilience confirms what we all suspected: 99% of students are simply “getting through it” this midterm season, clinging to survival like a stale Commons bagel.
New Report Says 99% of Students Are Just Barely Getting Through Midterms Read More »
In a groundbreaking deal, Drew University has signed an official partnership with the Free and United Forest Squirrel Republic (F.U.F.S.R.), the newly formed squirrel government in The Forest. Under this historic arrangement, students, faculty, and staff are now required to carry “Acorn Passes” to ensure safe passage through F.U.F.S.R.-controlled zones.
The almighty Zeus has taken a grave matter into his hands and is now pouring down a torrent of meteorological chaos upon Drew University. The cause for such celestial wrath? A simple, innocuous act of human negligence – the incessant blare of campus leaf blowers.
