Drew University’s LAUNCH program has just announced an innovative new workshop designed to tackle one of the most difficult challenges facing students today: answering the question, “So, what’s your major?” without spiraling into existential dread.
LAUNCH to Offer ‘How to Answer “So, What’s Your Major?” Without Crying’ Workshop Read More »
In a recent shocking revelation to the Drew community, it has been discovered that this past Monday’s construction at Brothers College was not merely a routine roof replacement — in fact, a top-secret project is underway to transform the historic building into a launchpad for a guided cruise missile.
In a move that’s shaking the academic world (or at least the very quiet world of Drew University), all Drew professors are being replaced by an AI chat bot. That’s right—goodbye, actual humans with PhDs and personal vendettas against tardy students, and hello to a shiny, 24/7, emotionally-void chatbot that doesn’t care if you turn in your essay 11 days late, as long as you type it in Comic Sans.
Due to Budget Cuts, Drew Starts Replacing Professors With ChatGPT Read More »
MSU has the eighth largest campus in the country, and it takes a lot to keep it pretty. Since it is in the state of Michigan, there is obviously endless construction going on. Many major roads are under construction as well as a brand new cultural center that has a lot of people excited.
MSU Road Construction To Conclude in 2084; New Cultural Center in 2132 Read More »
In a shocking display of defiance against the university’s tightened security protocols, a group of Drew University students recently gathered in the heart of campus to perform a satanic ritual.
Some hotspot bars around East Lansing and MSU’s campus include Rick’s, Harper’s, Landshark, Fieldhouse, and others. All of these bars swear that they have no knowledge of anybody underage drinking in their bars.
Local Bars Near MSU Seem Unaware of Underage Drinking Read More »
Drew University has officially announced its most awaited course offering: Advanced Ghosting Techniques 404. This course, designed for students wishing to learn the fine art of disappearing from social obligations and embarrassing circumstances, promises to take ghosting to the next level.
In a shocking turn of events that has left Drew University students feeling more than hangry, the campus’s newly implemented Grubhub-based dining system has been crippled by a ransomware attack.
The attack believed to be orchestrated by a group of disgruntled students who have grown increasingly frustrated with the system’s frequent glitches and delays, has brought dining on campus to a screeching halt.
The hackers, who have dubbed themselves “The Starving Students Society,” are demanding the return of their glitched meal swipes as ransom.
“We’ve had enough of these faulty cards,” said a spokesperson for the group, speaking under condition of anonymity for fear of retribution from the Dreaded Drew Dining Detectives. “Our stomachs are growling, and we’re not afraid to use a little digital blackmail to get what we want.”
The ransomware attack has caused widespread chaos on campus. Students are lining up for hours at the few remaining dining options, and the dining hall has been overrun by a horde of hungry students. Some, much to the distress of dining staff, have even resorted to dumpster diving in search of food, bribing local squirrels with nuts to attack their competition and bring them more pizza.
Drew administrators are scrambling to address the crisis, issuing a statement promising to restore the dining system and meet the demands of the hackers. However, it remains unclear how they will be able to satisfy the group’s insatiable righteous hunger for their meal swipes.
In the meantime, students are left to fend for themselves. Some have turned to local restaurants, while others have resorted to cooking their own meals in their dorm rooms. But for many, the experience has been a frustrating and hunger-inducing ordeal.
The Starving Students Society’s rival group, the Youth Say Yes to Yella’s League, has taken full advantage of the chaos, organizing high-priced elite underground food markets and potluck dinners in their dorms. Lines are growing by the mile and prices soaring by the minute out of McLendon as the demand balloons to such a size that not even the entire League’s combined efforts can keep up.
Meanwhile, Campus Security is investigating the attack and trying to identify potential perpetrators. They have interviewed dozens of students and staff members, but so far, they have not been able to make any significant progress.
As the crisis continues to unfold, it remains to be seen whether the Starving Students Society will get what they want. In the meantime, Drew University students can only hope that the dining system will be up and running again soon before they starve as well.
One of Drew University’s fun and unique features is the on-campus bar, The Pub, located in the EC. Known for its cozy atmosphere and bizarre videos, it has also been a favorite because of its free pizza policy. Alas, this is finally changing, with pizza now costing $2.
In a shocking turn of events, Drew University students have been disappearing from Tolley Hall at an alarming rate. A band of militant squirrels has been behind the abductions, fed up with the students’ disregard for their woodland haven.
