Campus - The Nut

Drag Shows Are Banned! Wait, No They Aren’t. Wait, Yes They Are. Wait…

UNT leadership fears of possibly losing funds because of the new education crusade from the government.As they are after classes, gender identity and sexuality. UNT knows it cannot afford to eliminate the sociology, psychology, and theology programs entirely, since discussions of these topics occur in the classes. As any fearless leader would do, a hasty decision had to be made.

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Drew Students Fear for Lives Due to Rocket Powered Campus Security Cars

Campus / Drew

Drew administrators have partnered with multiple coding, chemistry, and computer science classes to create turbo speed rockets for the security vehicles that patrol campus.

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UVA to Remove Crosswalks Across Campus Grounds

Campus / University of Virginia

With concerns regarding the stability of federal research funding, UVA has decided upon a new cost-saving initiative. The University will, beginning this spring, no longer be maintaining or acknowledging the existence of crosswalks on grounds.

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“No One Really Knows What the ‘U’ in Uarizona Actually Means” – University President Suresh Garimella Unprompted

Campus / University of Arizona

After speaking at a conference, which was meant to be mostly insular about adding new education departments, a reporter, who showed up to ask about the latest “Compact” of the University, raised a question to him as he stood at the podium. Although not expected to answer any more questions about this issue, at least not at this event, the President boldly decided to respond to the various concerns she listed: “You know, no one really knows what the ‘U’ in UArizona really means.” *He spoke proudly before looking wistfully upon the audience.* “Personally, I think it should mean ‘Unity’.”

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Halloweekend Party Declared a Public Safety Incident (Spiritually, Not Legally)

Campus, Holiday / Grand Valley State University

This past weekend, Grand Valley State University students gathered for what was advertised as “The Most Legendary Halloween Bash in Allendale History.”

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ASU Professor Blows up After Freshman Won’t Stop Yelling 6 7 in ISTB.

Campus, Professor, Student / Arizona State

Witnesses say the professor froze mid-equation, muttered something about “the laws of thermodynamics not applying to clowns,” and then detonated emotionally, screaming that if he heard those numbers again, he’d “personally turn the building into plasma.”

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CU Boulder Introduces Emotional Support Geese

Campus / CU Boulder

BOULDER, Colo. (TN)— When sophomore English major Emily Torres signed up for CU Boulder’s new E.S.G. program, or emotional support geese program, she expected a peaceful, animal-assisted stress reliever. Instead, she found herself standing knee-deep in grass on the edge of Varsity Lake, clutching a waiver form, staring into the unblinking eyes of a Canada goose named Gerald.

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Ghost Tour of Campus Leads Visitors to Ranger Bear Cemetery

Campus, Holiday, Student / Drew

Then a howl came forth from the ground, and the earth quaked as hundreds of Ranger Bears burst out of the soil.

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Fire Marshall Hoses Down Hippie to Prevent Second Hand Highs

Campus, Student / CU Boulder

A routine hike up Chautauqua Trail ended in disaster Tuesday when CU freshman Christopher McMillan returned to his dorm reeking strongly of, “a patchouli-infused stench.” The Boulder Fire Department immediately deployed its Hazmat Response Team, suspecting a nearby drug lab–to find McMillian doing a Hot Yoga session in his room.

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Ranger Bear Forced to Come out of Hibernation Following Grubhub Shutdown

Campus, Food / Drew

Since last year’s dining service switched to gourmet dining, which solely utilizes Grubhub, Ranger Bear has become accustomed to ordering his usual McDonald’s and storing it for the upcoming winter.

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