Drew Replaces Teachers With Chimps in AI Glasses
“This is a huge step for not only Drew, but all of the United States. No chimp has ever taught a Zoom class before, let alone in glasses,”
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Campus
5 Helpful Tips for Ohio University Students
Being a student in a new school is always stressful. You never know what kinds of details are left out of campus advertisements, from weird cultural niches to places that haven’t been developed since the dark ages. So here are some helpful tool tips (from an OU student!) to get you started on this new and exciting journey and to hopefully ease your way:
Parent Solves Winter Break Standoff By Strapping College Student To Plane Seat, Launching Them Back To Campus
The student apparently could be heard yelling that they “could have driven” while ascending rapidly by the flight radio.
Drew Announces Tolley-Brown Circle Construction Is Definitely Not Related to Sudden Emergence of Mole People
The Nut has since conducted their own investigation and found incriminating evidence within the Drew Archives of mole-like humanoid creatures living beneath the Tolley-Brown circle.
UNT Administration Politely Requests Students Stop Entering THE HALLWAY
Last Monday morning, the UNT Dean’s Office put out an official bulletin asking that the student body stop entering THE HALLWAY, citing concerns over student safety. THE HALLWAY mysteriously appeared within the Sycamore Hall library last month, with security camera footage showing it simply manifesting into the Library’s outer wall between video frames.
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Woman Hired to Act as a Mother Who Lives Vicariously Through Her Children to Make Students Feel at Home for the Holidays
She has been seen giving students instruments and sports equipment and telling them that she “sacrificed everything for them, so they can’t fail!!”.
Asu Student Suspended From Tooker for Allegedly Sleeping Before CMH 114 Midterm
Residential staff labeled the incident “a breach of academic culture,” noting that J’s eight full hours of rest posed “a violation of the complete Fulton School’s experience.” Students on the floor gathered in the hallway chanting obscenities as RAs escorted J out of the building for what they described as “malicious resting.”
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Studies Find That Students Who Study More Are Likely to Get Good Grades
A new study has found that students who study course material before test day are more likely to score a passing grade. Some students have shared their thoughts on these findings.
“Hard work pays off, that’s no shock,” UNT senior and valedictorian Alayna Sterling said. “It’s a miracle we needed a study to tell us all the obvious.”
“I never even considered that,” UNT freshman Faye Ling said. “That explains so much.”
“Y’all are taking tests?” former UNT student DeNyle Jones said.
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RTD Buses Leaving for Thanksgiving Will Depart Sometime Between 8 AM and Next Tuesday
Citing “Unpredictable operational factors” ranging from weather patterns to “The general mood of the universe,” Regional Transportation District officials announced Monday that buses taking students home for Thanksgiving break will depart sometime between 8 a.m. Wednesday and, conservatively, next Tuesday.
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UVA Students Develop Tooth Fairy Pyramid Scheme
This week, UVA has seen a surge of physical altercations among students. Small groups of masked students have been seen spontaneously jumping their peers, knocking out their teeth, gathering them off the pavement, then running away.
