“You have no idea how much monkeys poop, let alone an infinite number of them,” Roachell said. “It’s not all bad, though. Most of them are super happy and friendly—except for Ted. Ted smokes and swears—we’ve had HR meetings, but he doesn’t seem to care. He just says, ‘I came up with the new Dragon Age game, you aren’t going to fire me.’ It’s difficult at times to deal with all the personalities involved.”
Our sources over at The Nut have reported an “electric buzz, low cortisol ratings, and general optimism about life that has not been felt since orientation week.”
First Warm Day of the Year in NYC: Girl is “Going to be Okay” Read More »
Counting on their fingers, a student related, “I wanted to do my taxes, write multiple short stories and poems, make progress on my novel, catch up on my homework…and probably some other things I forgot about. I forgot how hard it is to actually write, so I could only manage one short story that still sucks.”
Student Realizes Their Spring Break Goals May Have Been Overly Ambitious Read More »
Unfortunately, it turns out eating raw fish five days a week for months on end actually has a downside. Huge bummer.
Barnard Student Hospitalized After Consuming Milstein Poke Bowls Five Days a Week Read More »
For the past six weeks, Rawlins Hall has received nonstop visitation from a mysterious “Lobster Man”, who reportedly arrives at the residence hall with the sole goal of eating a lobster. While this may sound unremarkable, the Lobster Man has continuously vexed and confused students and staff with his presence.
Some Guy Eating 3 Pound Lobster in the Middle of Rawlins Hall for Some Reason Read More »
Saint Patrick’s Day is a special day for whimsy, and students thought to bring that whimsy to life with a simple trap for a leprechaun this past Tuesday. It wasn’t an elaborate setup, just some chocolate coins under a propped-up cardboard box. One engineering student offered to place a camera near the trap, theoretically to catch the leprechaun, but more likely to catch some squirrels.
Students Attempt to Catch a Leprechaun, but Catch Their History Professor Instead Read More »
The program, officially titled “Project Rodent,” allows frustrated students to temporarily rent a Drew-trained and certified squirrel for the low price of $49.99 per hour with your dedicated companion.
Drew Introduces Emotional Support Squirrel Rental Read More »
hidden among the megaphones and handmade signs, there exists a quieter demographic: students who genuinely could not tell you what is going on.
Student Who’s Always Clueless About The Protests Gets Put On The News Read More »
Athens County Animal Control received a concerning call a few days ago from a frantic-sounding student. The first student, a sophomore named Brad, claimed to have seen a bobcat roaming around campus. Animal Control was suspicious of a prank,
Student Mistakes House Cat for Bobcat Calls Animal Control Read More »
A Barnard student experienced what experts are calling “a catastrophic gastrointestinal event” late Tuesday night in a shared campus bathroom, marking yet another reminder that college dining halls remain a lawless environment.
Student Reaches Out To Parent With In-Depth Food Poisoning Analysis Read More »
