As another Valentine’s Day passes, so too does everyone’s faith in humanity.
Scrappy the Eagle, UNT’s famous feathered figure and trusty mascot, was found hungover just outside his apartment building the morning after Valentine’s Day. The eagle’s neighbors chimed in, stating that he muttered various drunk vagueries over the course of several hours, before vomiting on himself and collapsing at his doorstep.
“He was just kinda out of it,” UNT student and Scrappy the Eagle’s next-door neighbor, Bob Lowblah, claimed. “He was going on about some girl for a little while, then Tinder for a little while, then starting crying a little, then he started talking about ‘clapping cheeks’ and how she was missing out and all that. My guess? He probably fumbled.”
Another of Scrappy’s neighbors, UNT student Frank Sauwitt, watched Scrappy from the window, confused by his strange noises and behavior.
“He was, like, dry humping the staircase and crying at the same time,” Sauwitt said. “He was singing some kind of song, but I couldn’t really make out the lyrics under the crying, ya know? Weird bird, man. He probably fumbled.”
The supposed girl Scrappy was crying about was one he met on Tinder for the first time on the evening of Valentine’s Day. According to her, his profile was rather misleading.
“Eagles have no fingers, which I guess explains why he fumbled so fucking hard,” UNT alumni and chemistry major Cherry Poppins said. “We were going back and forth for a while leading up to that night. We messaged each other a lot, and at the time, it seemed pretty exciting. His profile had a bunch of bald eagle photos, and I never suspected anything bizarre. I was thinking, ‘Wow, how patriotic,’ but no. I was wrong.”
Poppins struggled to properly collect her thoughts. She tried her best to share more details about their date night, hoping to offer valuable insights.
“I’ve been told I’ve had trust issues, and this shit? This shit right here? This is exactly why,” she sneered. “I thought it was love at first sight when I saw his Tinder profile, but how stupid was I to expect ‘Phil MacCraken’ to do what he said on the tin? Imagine talking for months to a guy you think will give you everything you need, only for him to be a big ass bird? A big ass bird? If I wanted that shit, I’d turn on fucking Sesame Street, bro. This shit, bro. This fucking shit. That little feathered shit. This fucking shit, man. Holy fucking shit.”
Poppins continued saying “holy f*cking sh*t” and variations of “that little lying bird sh*t” for the next several minutes before shouting expletives and eagle slurs mid-interview that we cannot ethically include in order to avoid complications with our superiors.
