As we prepare for a new month, pumpkin spice lattes, and seasonal depression, here are your horoscopes to guide you through the day.
Aquarius: Don’t shoot the messenger. Firstly, this is a very rude thing to do. Secondly, they know what you are capable of and are prepared to react accordingly.
Pisces: Good things come in small packages, and conversely, horrible things in large ones. Speaking of which: Do NOT open the Amazon package delivered to your door this morning. It will go away on its own. Most likely. If not, pray.
Aries: Be confident! You are more capable than you realize. That test? You’ll ace it. Interview? Nothing to be worried about! Believe in yourself, and others will believe in you.
Taurus: I love the new haircut. Where did you get it done? The volume? The color? Absolutely magnificent. It really suits you. (This isn’t your horoscope, I just thought you should know)
Gemini: Know Humility. She’s not very nice, but she’s the hiring agent of a Fortune 500 company, so you might as well try to get in with her. Bills don’t pay themselves.
Cancer: You have heavy news you must share with an acquaintance. They will not react fondly. You know what you have to do.
Leo: An old friend misses you. Reach out! Good things will come. “Good things” being spiders. Lots of them. On second thought, maybe hold that text for now.
Virgo: Treat yourself, you deserve it. That pair of shoes you’ve been eying? Why not! That fancy button-up shirt? Hell yeah! That premium luxury Cadillac XT5 in Opulent
Blue? Absolutely not, do you know what havoc that would wreak upon your already overdrafted bank account?
Libra: Your mother is a special woman. Unfortunately, she has been replaced by a perfect, soulless doppelganger. Do not let her know that you know.
Scorpio: You will witness a duel. Film it! Duels make for great content.
Sagittarius: Congratulations! You have been selected. They will be in contact within three business days via sleep paralysis.
Capricorn: Really?
