Amidst dorms’ protests to quell commuter’s rights, ASU has decided to establish the ASUCF, the ASU Commuters’ Force, an elite force committed to make the average commuter’s life a living hell. The ASUCF is strangely composed almost entirely of freshmen. “Why should they, those low-life, car-driving, money saving stains on humanity, be treated equal to us, who pay lavish fees for the complete college experience”, says one concerned dormer. The Nut has reached out for further comments, but it turns out that she was felicitated and no longer considers us worthy of her time.
Now the 10 commuter freshmen who actually come to Tempe daily have more or less been unaffected by the new measures. “We are ostracized on the daily”, says one commuter, “ASU has just made it official”. Now while this does seem draconian, ASU’s leadership and admin believes that it’s not. The official statement says that “In lieu of several commuter-inflicted violence on, believe-it-or-not, individual leaves on the dried tree on campus, ASU has decided to create the ASUCF, a dedicated force to keep these miserly lowlife commuters, out from most social circles.”
Just two days after creating the ASUCF, the administration has rolled out what they call the “ASU Nativity Fee”. For a small, monthly payment of $1000, the ASU commuters will no longer be targeted by the dormers, be treated equal to the residents and be able to register for actually good clubs instead of the Commuters Association of ASU. The Nut has reached out for further comments, but none have been provided as of yet.
