As the high of fall break sizzles out, students return to campus with higher hopes and in good spirits. Coming back at the peak of midterm season, all students want to do is lock in.
However, Drew Facilities had a better idea.
When student Ben Dover, a resident of the freshmen dorm Tolley-Brown, ventured to the laundry room, he was met with tragedy.
“There was only one washer. Just a washer, not even a dryer,” he says.
As the washer was free, he began his laundry. Other residents began gathering, eager to take the machine after Dover’s clothes were finished.
At some point, thirty students had congregated in the cramped basement.
“People were pushing and shoving each other. I think someone bit me,” Dover says.
The students gave in to their primal instincts, alphas fighting for dominance in a gladiator arena. Eventually, it became a formal fight to the death.
A bracket was formed as students queued for the bloodbath. Then, all hell broke loose. Bodies fell until there was one winner: Harry Balzac.
Balzac was dubbed the winner of the gladiator war for the washing machine.
“I was totally stoked. I was like, ‘Hell yeah!’ Cause, you know, I hadn’t done my laundry in two months,” Balzac says.
Following this incident, security has cracked down on fight rings in the Tolley-Brown basement. However, they have still not returned the other washers and dryers.
While Drew has taken these precautions, this has not stopped the students’ desire for violence.
Balzac himself is hosting a “Fight Club” style tournament in the Zuck Arboretum in the upcoming days, where laundry services are once again the prize.
