BOULDER, CO (TN) – A routine hike up Chautauqua Trail ended in disaster Tuesday when CU freshman Christopher McMillan returned to his dorm reeking strongly of, “a patchouli-infused stench.” The Boulder Fire Department immediately deployed its Hazmat Response Team, suspecting a nearby drug lab–to find McMillian doing a Hot Yoga session in his room.
According to officials, McMillan’s body odor reached “Marshall Fire levels of emissions.”
“Once he opened the stairwell door, that stench wafted like a wildfire,” said resident advisor Hun Shik Kim, still wearing an N95 mask. Google statistics showed a 500% increase in searches for the healing powers of sage.
Students reported watery eyes, nausea, and in one case—spontaneous visions of dead relatives. “I’m pretty sure I started smelling colors,” said sophomore Clark Kent. “I was just trying to finish my homework,” he said, noticeably upset, flushing his eyes at a chemical rinse station, and declining to comment further.
The Hazmat team responded by sealing off the dorm and spraying McMillan with a high-pressure decontamination spray–typically reserved for nuclear decontamination.
“90% industrial soap, 10% undiluted bleach. It’s remarkably effective against even the dirtiest of hippies,” said Frank Carsass, the lead sanitizer on the team.
When we reached out for comment, McMillan insisted he was, “Unaware of the smell and was simply embracing the Boulder vibe.”
“I only use natural deodorant—well, technically it was oil I bought at the Pearl Street Mall,” he said. “I didn’t realize my chakras were that powerful.”
University officials are reportedly drafting new guidelines for outdoor enthusiasts returning from hikes, including mandatory “re-entry showers” and a potential partnership with Crocs to develop branded shower footwear.
“Body odor is a natural part of our free-spirited culture,” said Administrator Rivers. “But when it reaches levels that could compromise public health infrastructure, we have to draw the line.
McMillan was last seen Googling “natural alternatives to hazmat soap.”
