BOULDER(TN) — Citing “Unpredictable operational factors” ranging from weather patterns to “The general mood of the universe,” Regional Transportation District officials announced Monday that buses taking students home for Thanksgiving break will depart sometime between 8 a.m. Wednesday and, conservatively, next Tuesday.
The announcement, sent to students at 3:13 a.m. under the subject line “Important Schedule Update!,” assured their riders that RTD remains committed to punctual service as long as it doesn’t inconvenience their drivers. Officials clarified that “punctual” should be interpreted as a “fluid, conceptual state not tied to the literal passage of time.”
“RTD operates on a quantum model,” spokesperson Pauletta Tonilas said during a media briefing. “In much the same way Schrödinger’s cat is both alive and dead until observed, the bus is both arriving and not arriving until a rider looks directly at the horizon.”
Brian Cox, physics expert, said, “I don’t think Tonilas has a solid grasp on the metaphor. With respect, it doesn’t work that way,” while visiting as a guest lecturer. “The universe is infinitely more organized than the RTD.”
Clusters of students gathered at Boulder bus stops all across town with winter coats, blankets, and emergency Mylar sheets. Some brought camping chairs, sleeping with suitcases and backpacks as pillows; others appeared to be entering the bargaining stage of grief.
“I’m feeling optimistic,” said sophomore Calvin Minke, who arrived at his stop before dawn.
“Last year, my bus came 14 hours early. This year, I’m prepared.”
Drivers interviewed anonymously said they were instructed to begin routes “as soon as it feels spiritually appropriate,” emphasising that they should “wait for the wind to tell them when to go,” but declined to specify what that meant exactly. RTD denied giving any such guidance. A union representative downplayed the reports, attributing the unpredictable timing to traffic, construction, and the alleged influence of unnamed planetary alignments.
Despite widespread confusion, Tonilas insisted that all buses will arrive eventually, adding that Thanksgiving is “a time for gratitude and patience.”
“We, at RTD, believe students will be extremely grateful when the bus finally shows up,” she said. “Whether that’s this week, next week, or shortly after the break…either way, we’ll be there eventually.”
A small group outside the UMC was already forming a makeshift encampment, complete with a portable heater and a coffee thermos with scratched tally marks that represented “Day 1.” One first-year student said she planned to complete her final papers from the bus stop, “just to be safe.” While others looked defeated and seemed to accept their fate, they accepted donations of baby wipes and deodorant from CU Boulder faculty.
RTD encouraged the public to monitor alerts, remain flexible, and “embrace the journey in whatever form it occurs.”
