This week, UVA has seen a surge of physical altercations among students. Small groups of masked students have been seen spontaneously jumping their peers, knocking out their teeth, gathering them off the pavement, then running away. Authorities were puzzled by the bizarre incidents, and upon investigation they discovered an organized underground tooth market, known colloquially as “Hoos Teeth?”. This group has been covertly operating for months, run anonymously by a student under the moniker of “The Tooth Fairy”. Students can sell teeth to representatives of Hoos Teeth for five dollars per tooth, and can additionally earn five dollars for every tooth they convince one of their peers to sell.
“With a mouth worth $140 a pop, how was I not going to start stealing teeth?” said Morgan Lars, a student recently suspended for a teeth-related assault, “Have to pay my student loans somehow. Yeah, it sucks taking them out, but soup exists, you’re not going to die.”
Lars admitted to selling 164 teeth in total, and admits they have plans to continue once they are released from police custody.
No students have come forward with information regarding The Tooth Fairy, and all students who have confessed to selling to the organization claim to have no knowledge of the members’ identities.
“I aif no sniwch,” commented Mora Neil, a first year who was suspended after attempting to steal her roommate’s molars in her sleep after already selling all of her own.
Students and investigators have no idea what the organization plans to use the teeth for. There is speculation that the organization plans to offer au naturel dental implants, or might produce high end dentures to sell to members of the Board of Visitors, but Hoos Teeth has yet to release a public statement on the matter.
The investigation will continue, presumably, until the members of Hoos Teeth are caught, or until grounds runs out of teeth.
