Campus

Drew University Now Offering Advanced ‘Ghosting’ Classes: Learn How to Avoid Your Ex Like a Pro

Drew University has officially announced its most awaited course offering: Advanced Ghosting Techniques 404. This course, designed for students wishing to learn the fine art of disappearing from social obligations and embarrassing circumstances, promises to take ghosting to the next level.

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Drew’s GrubHub Dining System Under Attack by Hackers Asking For the Return of Their Glitched Meal Swipes

In a shocking turn of events that has left Drew University students feeling more than hangry, the campus’s newly implemented Grubhub-based dining system has been crippled by a ransomware attack.

The attack believed to be orchestrated by a group of disgruntled students who have grown increasingly frustrated with the system’s frequent glitches and delays, has brought dining on campus to a screeching halt.

The hackers, who have dubbed themselves “The Starving Students Society,” are demanding the return of their glitched meal swipes as ransom.
“We’ve had enough of these faulty cards,” said a spokesperson for the group, speaking under condition of anonymity for fear of retribution from the Dreaded Drew Dining Detectives. “Our stomachs are growling, and we’re not afraid to use a little digital blackmail to get what we want.”

The ransomware attack has caused widespread chaos on campus. Students are lining up for hours at the few remaining dining options, and the dining hall has been overrun by a horde of hungry students. Some, much to the distress of dining staff, have even resorted to dumpster diving in search of food, bribing local squirrels with nuts to attack their competition and bring them more pizza.

Drew administrators are scrambling to address the crisis, issuing a statement promising to restore the dining system and meet the demands of the hackers. However, it remains unclear how they will be able to satisfy the group’s insatiable righteous hunger for their meal swipes.

In the meantime, students are left to fend for themselves. Some have turned to local restaurants, while others have resorted to cooking their own meals in their dorm rooms. But for many, the experience has been a frustrating and hunger-inducing ordeal.

The Starving Students Society’s rival group, the Youth Say Yes to Yella’s League, has taken full advantage of the chaos, organizing high-priced elite underground food markets and potluck dinners in their dorms. Lines are growing by the mile and prices soaring by the minute out of McLendon as the demand balloons to such a size that not even the entire League’s combined efforts can keep up.

Meanwhile, Campus Security is investigating the attack and trying to identify potential perpetrators. They have interviewed dozens of students and staff members, but so far, they have not been able to make any significant progress.

As the crisis continues to unfold, it remains to be seen whether the Starving Students Society will get what they want. In the meantime, Drew University students can only hope that the dining system will be up and running again soon before they starve as well.

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Drew is Officially in an Economic Crisis as Inflation Causes The Pub to Raise the Cost of Pizza Slices to $2

One of Drew University’s fun and unique features is the on-campus bar, The Pub, located in the EC. Known for its cozy atmosphere and bizarre videos, it has also been a favorite because of its free pizza policy. Alas, this is finally changing, with pizza now costing $2.

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The Delicate Balance of The Universe Thrown Off When Commons Changed the Type of French Fries That They Use

On one recent morning, students awoke to a strange chill in the air. It was not just the winter air settling in; there was an ominous wind blowing. Those who felt it tried valiantly to ignore it, but when they reached Commons, they realized that calamity had struck.

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Students Are Unable to Get to Class Without Being a Part of a Photography Student’s Project

Our campus is famous for its beautiful scenery, and its photogenic nature, making Admissions’ job so much easier by enticing new students to enter its idyllic paths. However, this may be a case of too much of a good thing, for now, there are photography students taking photos absolutely everywhere on campus in order to be the ones to take the Perfect Shot.

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Drew Admin Uses Yik Yak as a Psyop to Convince Students That The Campus is Cool

That’s right, you read correctly, Yik Yak is back and cooler than ever! A handful of dedicated students have been working hard to revive Drew’s Yik Yak, and it is paying off. Finally, there is a platform where only students of Drew can anonymously share their honest opinions of life on campus, and where definitely

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Drew Has Replaced Campus Security With The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Drew University has replaced campus security with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. What at first seemed like a decision that made campus life more fun and nostalgic ended up becoming a never-ending nightmare for students.The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers have been out of work for a long time getting replaced by much cooler and younger

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Drew Pro Staff Using Thanksgiving Break To Expose Students’ Weird Possessions

Nobody likes knowing that their rooms will be inspected by Residential staff during break, but this year, in an effort to make sure students realize what they’re leaving out, Pro Staff has announced that they will be posting the Top 10 Weirdest things students have in their rooms.   Spokesperson for RHA, Kelly Grambler, tells

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