The year is 2032, Y24, the city-destroying asteroid first discovered in 2024, is set to hit Earth any day now. The asteroid is on an impact course with the small liberal arts college, Drew University, where it will land directly on the headquarters of the school’s 2nd tier news source, The Acorn.
City-Killer Asteroid Now 0% Chance as Drew Becomes Asteroid-Free Campus Read More »
MINNEAPOLIS, MINN.–Many students at the University of Minnesota were caught bullying each other after realizing that everyone wears their ID WAY differently.
Students Are Being Bullied Based on the Ridiculous Ways That They Wear Their ID Cards Read More »
This week at Drew, the University has put a 500% tariff on all food delivered to campus. “Yeah I guess they’re worried that no one is eating in the Commons anymore and just use DoorDash and Uber eats.,” said Drew Sophomore, Tommy Greer, “So now I have to decide between spending $150 on a DoorDash or risking my life on Commons chicken? It’s a tough call.”
EAST LANSING, MI – Michigan State University is home to many spirits, namely the fun ones on the Grand River that promise young adults a good time. What many people don’t know however, is that MSU houses a lot of different spirits.
“The loss in parking ticket revenue would be too great,” said MSU President Kevin Guskiwhodoesthisguythinkheis as he sipped on a hot latte from the comfort of his own home.
Last spring, Indiana University faced significant unrest amidst the Israel-Palestine protests that swept the nation. After pointing snipers at student groups in Dunn Meadow failed to quell the uproar, administrators looked towards other – more innovative – methods.
All of Monroe County “Closed for Construction” to Prevent IU Protests Read More »
In a shocking display, Drew has announced a radical overhaul of its parking permit system to replace the current structure after the sale of the commuter lot to Madison. As of now, all commuter students must prove their worthiness to park their vehicle at Drew in a series of high-stakes swordfights.
Commuter Students Must Now Earn Parking Passes Through Trial by Combat Read More »
In a groundbreaking deal, Drew University has signed an official partnership with the Free and United Forest Squirrel Republic (F.U.F.S.R.), the newly formed squirrel government in The Forest. Under this historic arrangement, students, faculty, and staff are now required to carry “Acorn Passes” to ensure safe passage through F.U.F.S.R.-controlled zones.
Calling all Spartans! It is time to sign up for next semester’s classes. On your SIS portal, you can now go into your classes section and add classes that you can’t get into for next semester.
There are nearly zero classes available, unless you are interested in molecular biology or literal rocket science.
The almighty Zeus has taken a grave matter into his hands and is now pouring down a torrent of meteorological chaos upon Drew University. The cause for such celestial wrath? A simple, innocuous act of human negligence – the incessant blare of campus leaf blowers.
