Drew Replaces Teachers With Chimps in AI Glasses
“This is a huge step for not only Drew, but all of the United States. No chimp has ever taught a Zoom class before, let alone in glasses,”
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Sports
Hockey Players and Fans Petition to Change Official University Mascot From Louie the Laker to the Beloved Zamboni
As the GVSU Lakers hockey season heats up at Georgetown Ice Center, members of the hockey community have launched a formal petition to replace Louie the Laker with the ice arena’s Zamboni resurfacing machine as the university’s official mascot.
SGA Drafts Bill to Allow Students to Skip Afternoon Classes
The SGA of UNT has drafted a bill to ensure its constituents have fewer classes in October. This bill will allow the students to leave classes at the latest by 12 p.m. on October 10th, the day of the UNT vs. University of South Florida football game. The bill still needs to be approved by President Harrison Keller, and a lot feel that the bill will be approved due to all the great talking points that are covered in the bill, and the SGA body’s statements.
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CU Football Team Trades Playbook for Player’s Handbook, Deion Sanders Arrives as Level 20 Wizard
BOULDER, Colo. (TN) – The University of Colorado football team has officially swapped helmets for dice after becoming fully engrossed in Dungeons & Dragons. An obsessive wave no one saw coming on the 2025 bingo card.
Ranger Bear Labubu Cult Found in Doyo
“I’ll never forget the song they were singing. They were…reciting the Yella’s milkshake menu.”
Ralphie VI Charges Elderly Shuffle Board Couple First Week of Retirement
BOULDER, Colo. – CU Boulder’s former live mascot Ralphie has settled into retirement in Florida, but neighbors say the transition hasn’t been smooth.
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Fieldhouse Cancels Planned Expansions After High Paying Customers Enter Transfer Portal
EAST LANSING, MI – Downtown sports bar FieldHouse, well-known by Michigan State students as the place where your girlfriend goes to cheat on you with an athlete you’ve never heard of, announced they were expanding earlier this month.
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Drew’s Bingo team Clinches #1 seed for NCAA Bingo Championship Tournamant for the 4th year in a row
Drew’s Bingo team has been dominant for nearly three decades since the program was taken over by legendary Bingo Hall of Fame coach Billy “The Diagonal” Smith in 1998. In that time, the team has won 19 NCAA championships, the most by a single coach and the most since adding the “X,” “Big Square,” “Little Square,” and “Full Card” rounds. The team continues to prove its dominance by clinching the #1 seed for the fourth year in a row.
Pawn Shop Full of Olympic Medals Pawned Off for Rent Money
A local Paris pawn shop that is only 5 minutes from the Olympic Village has announced that they are no longer accepting Olympic medals. “I just have too much, every day I get five to ten Olympians begging me for money for these stupid medals,”
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Olympic Committee Suddenly Changes Stance on Letting Weed Smokers Run at the Olympics
3 years after Sha’Carri Richardson was banned from the Olympics for testing positive for weed, notorious stoner Snoop Dogg will be carrying the Olympic Torch.
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