In the land of crab cakes, Old Bay, and people with an unexplainable attachment to their hypnotic-looking state flag sits the University of Maryland. This week, students flocked back to campus to continue their education, totally not to get drunk at frat parties, run over people with scooters, and to keep cheering on their stellar football team, which famously went 1-8 in their conference games last season.
Starting off strong, one of the campus buildings has already caught on fire before classes even begin. The firefighters were able to respond to the scene before it got too serious, although rumor has it one of the many info science majors on campus actually started the fire to get out of class. This, combined with the egregious number of voyeuristic acts in the library, really attracts scholars from across the country to attend this university. “Yo, it was crazy bro. We’re having a darty Saturday to celebrate. Freshmen girls VERY welcome,” says Brad, a frat president who witnessed the event.
Following the fire, an intense heat wave hit the state, causing many students to pass out around campus from the overpowering body odor fumes hovering over campus. The famous Stamp Hill has already taken out ten students alone. Even during the heat wave, freshmen are still lining up outside the campus bars starting at 5 am. Many have tents, freeze-dried meals, and cardboard cutouts of QB Malik Washington. “Nothing will stop us from getting our fake IDs taken,” they sing in unison.
