In a statement that has been widely ignored within minutes of its release, local residents have politely asked Barnard and Columbia students to stop aggressively petting their dogs mid-walk.
“Look, I get it. He’s cute,” said one exhausted dog owner, clutching a leash at 1:07 a.m. while her golden retriever made prolonged eye contact with a group of squealing sophomores. “But if I hear one more ‘Oh my GOD he’s literally the cutest baby ever’ in that high-pitched voice while I’m half-asleep waiting for him to take a dump, I’m going to lose it.”
Students, however, remain largely unsympathetic.
“I’m dog-deprived,” said one Barnard sophomore who has not seen her family pet since August. “We’ve left behind our loved ones—our dogs. This is basically an emotional support emergency.”
Experts (girls who FaceTime their dogs daily) confirm that dogs are “essential to mental well-being,” especially when encountered unexpectedly on Broadway after a night out.
Residents say the issue escalates significantly after midnight.
“When they’re drunk, it’s worse,” said another local, whose dog has reportedly faked going to the bathroom just to escape attention. “They cannot pick up on the social cue that the interaction is over. My dog will literally start walking away, and they’ll follow him.”
Students argue that the burden should not fall on them.
“If they didn’t want attention, they should either get uglier dogs or live somewhere else,” said one junior, moments before crouching on the sidewalk to whisper “you’re perfect” into a confused German shepherd’s face.
At press time, a small crowd had formed around a French bulldog, effectively preventing it from doing anything at all.
