Boulder, CO— Boulder Police have released a statement condemning the recent rise of demon summonings in residence halls and the basements of campus buildings.
It all started when Officer Martinez heard rumors of a new drug making its way through the campus. According to him, stores around campus were selling out of red paint, and pet stores started seeing an alarming amount of foot traffic, particularly around the newts and snakes. Martinez remarked that he was seeing more signs of lethargy around the Boulder area among college students, and thought that students had discovered a new way to cope with the stress of finals.
But when Martinez, Narcan in hand, made his way into the Stearns Basement he was in no way prepared for what he saw. A dozen students, sitting around a flaming pentagram, aptly listening to “Zorthrax the Destroyer” explain their calculus homework to them.
It’s still unknown how many students have been summoning demons to help them study for finals, but estimates range from 1,000-5,000. This recent pattern of summonings has perturbed a great deal of professors. One psychology professor told us “I already have to compete with Quizlet and AI bots, how am I supposed to put up a fight against ancient demons? They have so many more years of experience than me– I bet they’ve even met Freud!”
We managed to get an interview with one of the frequent summoners. When asked for a comment, they shrugged, “Zorthrax is really good at calculus, and the flames of hell keep us warm.”
A bewildered engineering professor said “I never thought I’d say this, but kids, stick to ChatGPT.”
