ASU Reveals Latest Innovation, ATSD, a “Homegrown” STD
ASTD: ASU’s Latest Innovation No One Wanted
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Campus
Students Claim Applying for on-Campus Job More Dificult Then off-Campus Job
Junior Kelly Jones applied for a job on campus, which she assumed would be easy: Helping people edit papers. She thought, “Okay, I’m good at all of this. I might not be super outgoing, but they do mention that they train students!” Excitedly, she went ahead and submitted an application.
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University Refills Empty Hand Sanitizers With Hot Sauce to See if Anyone Notices
A commando unit of custodial staff systematically opened, drained, and refilled every hand sanitizer dispenser on campus with hot sauce.
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Commuter Students Notice Massive Thigh Muscles From Having to Walk up Hill From the Commuter Lots
Commuter students at Ohio University Athens have recently noticed their thigh muscles growing exponentially, becoming like those of a bodybuilder within the three short weeks this semester has been in session.
Students Taking Extra Credits in “Fast Track” to Graduation Collapse From Weight of Textbooks
Due to the pressure of an ever-changing job market, a radical new approach has emerged amongst ambitious students at Grand Valley State University. Labeled the “Fast Track” to success, the strategy involves doubling a credit load each semester with hopes of graduating in half the time and cost it usually would take.
Class President Endorses a Two Week Old Baby for Senator
This week at Drew, two week old Jonathan is on track to become Drew’s next Senator!
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CU to Decide Helms Office Space with a Battle Royale Tournament at Folsom Field
Sixteen faculty enter, four window offices leave. The Helms Games will take place on Folsom Field, and see competitors armed only with “Office materials already in possession”: staplers, Expo markers, and in one case, an overhead projector converted into a war mace.
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Campus Elevators Go Unused Amidst Claims by Students That They Are “Obviously Evil”
There are, of course, plenty of elevators across campus, but many students don’t see these as a desirable alternative either. “Yeah, you couldn’t pay me to get in one of those,” Chet added, when asked if he used campus elevators “The things moan like they’re dying, shake like there’s an earthquake, and one time I put my ear up to the wall and I heard whispering”
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Ranger Bear Labubu Cult Found in Doyo
“I’ll never forget the song they were singing. They were…reciting the Yella’s milkshake menu.”
University Increases Gap in Bathroom Stalls Even Further in Order to Foster Connection
This Wednesday, the University’s Construction & Renovation Services Department announced sweeping Grounds-wide bathroom renovations. UVA’s public and dorm restrooms are notoriously out of date, so the announcement was initially met with celebration, followed by abject horror when the department’s Associate Director, Pepper Thomas, elaborated on the specific renovations in mind.
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