Every Spartan has heard the urban legends surrounding the steam tunnel beneath campus. There are stories of hearing voices and footsteps in the tunnels, of being haunted, and even rumors of people dying in them; however, these stories were ultimately written off by authorities as “scary stories” or “urban rumors,” nothing to raise alarm or be concerned with. That is, until a series of recent scandals has brought the steam tunnels back into the spotlight.
It all started during the Autumn semester of 2025, when several students reported hearing chanting from under the floor in the dorm basements, often accompanied by a creepy tingling sensation, goosebumps, and sudden, inexplicable fears. The first few students to notice this reported it to campus police, but it was quickly written off as a kind of senior prank and was largely ignored. Refusing to investigate turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes in MSU’s history, as just two weeks later, thousands of students reported having nightmares about demons invading their dorm rooms, keeping them up all night, and causing them to fail their exams.
Still, authorities refused to investigate the steam tunnels and decided it must be some form of mass psychosis brought on by stress and lack of sleep. Experts advised students to go to the Olin Medical Center and potentially receive a diagnosis to get on medications. However, students insisted that mental health services did nothing to stop these vivid dreams and failing grades.
Father John Roberts of Saint Michael’s Chapel of Northern Lansing Proper said, “The recent happenings involving the dreams of students carry alarming spiritual implications, and the rumors about the steam tunnels are likely true, as Satanic cults are out of control these days. These students are almost certainly under demonic attack, and I beckon the university to listen and bring in exorcists from the Vatican immediately.”
And yet, university officials continued failing to do anything other than give out mundane advice, ignoring the spiritual reality students are dealing with.
Governor Gretchen Whitmer herself commented on these happenings, stating that, “There’s no need to be afraid, both the WHO and the CDC stated that there’s no scientific evidence of demonic influence or satanic rituals, but that these experiences are common for overstressed students and these situations are most certainly explained by mental health phenomena.” However, many people are suspicious of Governor Whitmer and believe she’s involved in the conspiracy based on what appears to be a statue of Moloch on her desk in the capital building.
Alexander Emerick Jones, a well-respected journalist known for producing highly dependable information, even stated that this could be the biggest conspiracy since he exposed the rituals at Bohemian Grove.
The paranormal phenomenon went largely ignored by the local, state, and federal governments until the demons started causing the students to have dreams at night that insulted President Trump.
They’re reported to have said, “That orange man is a buffoon, who spends all his time playing golf, but does nothing to stop us.” And then possess the students, forcing them to binge-watch CNN at night, thus keeping them from getting any sleep.
In response, President Trump signed an executive order to finally investigate the alleged satanic rituals under the University.
“I can’t believe it, I’m the greatest president this country has ever had, and these demons dare insult me, and forcing our fine students to watch the fake news network. I swear, these are about the least scary demons anyone’s ever heard of. Annabel was scarier, and that movie was terribly lame. We’re going to send in our excellent federal law enforcement to investigate these alleged tunnel rituals and arrest whoever is down there summoning demons (undoubtedly Democrats), and then we’re going to have our fine exorcists, the greatest, most holy exorcists in our fine country. Seriously, nobody has exorcists like us. And kick these demons out of our country for good, sending them to Mexico.”
On February 5, 2026, the elite SWAT units entered the steam tunnels, and sure enough, their body cam footage revealed robed figures chanting under inverted red pentagrams, boiling caldrons, and most terrifying of all, a literal portal to hell. Unfortunately, the SWAT unit was forced to retreat due to being routed by demonic humanoid reptilian hybrids with bullet-resistant demonic powers. MSU was then placed on high alert as these creatures emerged from the depths of the city and wreaked havoc on the local population. In response, the President had priests from the Vatican bless the rifles and shotguns used by the SWAT units. These “blessed weapons” reportedly caused the creatures to explode in holy fire upon being shot.
Officials report that once the “demons are all slain,” the cultists were subsequently arrested and charged with trespassing, terrorism, and disturbance to the local community. A few of the individuals arrested even reportedly have ties to the late criminal philanthropist Jeffrey Epstein. Investigations into this are still ongoing.
“I knew it, folks, I knew it! I told you the demons were real, but everyone thought I was crazy, but now I’m proven right yet again.” Said Alex Jones during a three-hour live stream.
But amidst all the chaos, there’s still one concern that’s on everyone’s mind. What about the student’s GPA?
Sarah Lee Anderson, a nursing student here at MSU, states that the university does not consider demonic possession an excuse for failing exams, but is giving a five percent curve for students currently undergoing an exorcism.
Thomas Xaiver a mechanical engineering student, states that, “This is the most outrageous university policy ever. Months of possession and sleepless nights while the university does nothing, and they can’t even give us a pass or no pass. I’m transferring to U of M.”
As the dust settles at MSU and the scent of sulfur fades, it seems the “Spartans Will” motto takes on a whole new meaning. While the federal government celebrates its glorious victory over the lizard people and the Vatican packs up its tactical holy water, the real lesson here is that in the battle between heaven and hell, the only real immortal power at MSU is the registrar’s office. So, students, drink your coffee and take the SSRIs, because you’ll be needing them to keep your grades afloat at the end of this crazy semester at MSU.
