“OPERATION RIVER ATLANTA”- Mayor Andre Dickens announces that the City of Atlanta will be flooding I-75/I-85 in preparation for the World Cup.
“Every major city has a river,” Dickens said in a press release. “The Hudson River. The Chicago River. The LA River. Atlanta is missing the one thing that will transform any city from mediocrity to greatness: water.”
Dickens said water will be flown in from Lake Lanier via APD helicopters.
The flooding will take place immediately and proceed through the Atlanta World Cup Matches conclude on June 8, just in time for Georgia State University’s summer semester to start.
News of the flooding has sent waves across the Georgia State community. Students preparing to commute to summer classes will be forced to find alternative modes of transportation.
“I’ve always wanted to buy a boat anyway,” one student said. “But I’m still worried about parking.”
Georgia State has not yet responded to The Nut about aquatic parking lot development. The university is encouraging students to pursue alternative transportation options with their “New River, New Commute” initiative.
“Students may consider swimming or paddleboarding to school,” a NRNC representative said. “Every boat removed from the river in favor of jet skiing, kayaking or boatpooling is one fewer boat on the river, making traffic ever so slightly easier for others who need to boat to work.”
The university will also be providing hybrid Duck-boat shuttles to bring students to campus from the interstate.
Reactions to the flooding have left GSU social media awash with student input.
On the announcement post, one student commented, “Me whippin’ my canoe to class,” with a Fast & Furious GIF attachment.
A pair of disgruntled students wrote, “WTF! I don’t know how to swim!” and, “Atlanta is so washed, I’m surprised they’re not flooding the highways with soap!”
However, for students who live downtown, the river presents a unique recreational opportunity. As Atlanta temperatures rise, some look forward to cooling off on the connector.
“This is the best-case scenario for me,” an off-campus student said. “At first, I was like, ‘What the hell? Flooding the highway?’ But then I was like, ‘Lowkey, my apartment doesn’t have a rooftop pool.’ You will catch me in River Atlanta this summer.”
Fishing will not be allowed in the river, as the downtown river environment will be too hostile to support animal life. For further questions, contact the Mayor’s office at andreforatlanta.com/operationriveratlanta.
