Walter White, a chemistry professor at Michigan State who also teaches courses in Pharmacology and Toxicology, is revealed to have been the cause of the “unknown chemicals” inside Wells Hall on the first day of finals week.
White issued an apology statement, claiming that the spill was due to his own clumsiness. He promises to focus on breaking bad habits such as these.
“Chemistry is a lot like cooking,” explains White. “Sometimes even the greatest chef messes up the recipe. I was just teaching a student a formula for our PHM 321 final tomorrow. Then I accidentally knocked over some of the reactants, which coincidentally just so happened to combine and create a gas that resembles what’s emitted by unstable methamphetamine.”
Students and faculty were quickly evacuated from the premises after the incident. Eyewitnesses huddled at the side of the building, waiting to see what would happen next.
One such witness, Jesse Pinkman, appeared to be utterly confused and overwhelmed by the situation.
“Yo, I don’t @$!#*%&€ know $#*/,yo,” says Pinkman. “These €*#%*/& are always up to @$!#*%&€ something, yo! But I’ll @$!#*%&€ tell you one thing, I don’t got @$!#*%&€ $#*/ to do with this, yo!”
The spill caused many exams to be rescheduled—or worse, canceled—leaving students in a state of panic.
“Ohh noooo. This is just soooo unfortunate. Ugh, this really, really sucks,” says Anya Ruaedan, a sophomore who was scheduled to be taking a mMath 103 exam during the time of the spill.
“They couldn’t have put out a more ominous warning about it,” says vaguely concerned Pre-Law major Jorge Debible. “Like, I thought we were about to get Spider-Man-ed. But no spider. Just the radioactive part. And with death instead of superpowers.”
Hopefully for both Professor White and his students, the building will be cleared in time for their final for PHM 321, the course which is also known as Common Drugs.
