Campus

“No One Really Knows What the ‘U’ in Uarizona Actually Means” – University President Suresh Garimella Unprompted

After speaking at a conference, which was meant to be mostly insular about adding new education departments, a reporter, who showed up to ask about the latest “Compact” of the University, raised a question to him as he stood at the podium. Although not expected to answer any more questions about this issue, at least not at this event, the President boldly decided to respond to the various concerns she listed: “You know, no one really knows what the ‘U’ in UArizona really means.” *He spoke proudly before looking wistfully upon the audience.* “Personally, I think it should mean ‘Unity’.”

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CU Boulder Introduces Emotional Support Geese

BOULDER, Colo. (TN)— When sophomore English major Emily Torres signed up for CU Boulder’s new E.S.G. program, or emotional support geese program, she expected a peaceful, animal-assisted stress reliever. Instead, she found herself standing knee-deep in grass on the edge of Varsity Lake, clutching a waiver form, staring into the unblinking eyes of a Canada goose named Gerald.

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CU Boulder Introduces New Major in Procrastination Studies

BOULDER, Colo.(TN) — On Thurs. Oct. 15 CU Boulder announced the nation’s first academic program dedicated to procrastination. University officials say it’s been “a long time coming.” The Procrastination program promises to prepare students for a lifetime of putting things off with intention, purpose, and the absolute bare minimum effort a human being can possibly contribute.

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